The Wahindi in Transition: Its the daughter-in-law, stupid!

A Footnote to the Bebe story

 

There are stars and villains in the way characters are developed in any story. Sindra’s original version, which I have hugely massacred and my own khichri ( liquidy rice ‘biryani’) of the Bebe story creates the daughter-in-law as the villain and the son as the lost and confused boy who is buffeted by two bad  and dominating women. That is always the preferred theme. What fun it is to make the daughter-in-law the bad fish in a small pond.

 

But actually, there are some very good daughter-in-laws who put in huge amounts of work in looking after two elderly couples ( That is, his parents and her own parents or surviving parents) very competently, demonstrating great sacrifice and personal cost. This value system is greatly admired by many communities and social services, where it works.  To complete this story on a happy note for daughter-in-laws, here is a true story.

 

A small family with both elderly parents with reasonably good health and a lot of money in the UK bank, as well as the young son and his wife and children head for the UK. Over the next 20 or so years, both of the elderly people experience major health and emotional problems. The daughter-in-law is always by their side, providing help and support and also nursing them through their illnesses. First the mother-in-law passes away and then the father-in-law gets acutely ill and even unable to use the bathroom. The daughter-in-law takes care of him day and night while his own son is busy at work, the sports field and then the clubs where a drink is always mandatory to celebrate a win or to commiserate after losing a cricket or hockey match.

 

After nearly five years of taking personal care of the elderly father, the prospect of securing an admission to a nursing home is considered but immediately rejected by the nearly absentee son. He is concerned about the ‘society’s’ or ‘biradari’s reaction (the brotherhood’s judgement) to such a decision which is likely to be perceived as a breach of the unspoken code of conduct where such an action is likely to be seen as rejection and even abandonment.  And so the old man carries on with his troubled life as an in-house dependent, with loss of self-respect while he is still nursed by the daughter-in-law. The daughter-in-law, who is usually the villain the piece , is the exemplary carer and the saviour! One morning the old man is found dead in his bed, having died in his sleep. When his will is examined, he has left the title to the house as well as a huge cash pile to the daughter-in-law only. The son has been excluded from the will and no money is left to him and his siblings, thereby triggering off a war of attrition.